Thursday, April 18, 2013

Why Tom Will Become The New Jerry On "Parks And Recreation"

Everyone, it's happening. Gary "Jerry" Gergich FINALLY gets to retire. No longer will he be the butt of jokes, no longer will we be subjected to "fart" attacks.

But the big question now is, who will be the new Jerry in the Parks Department? TVLine has given an exclusive first look at the other employees trying to figure out that very question. But let's be honest, we all know it's going to be Tom. Let the facts speak for themselves.

1. Tom has ridiculous names for things that most people could easily insult.

He doesn't even know where the "Z" in "cool-blasterz" came from! Plus, did you see Leslie's face? She definitely was holding back a joke/insult.

2. Sometimes he makes extremely questionable fashion choices

No girl wants to see someone's crotch say "What's crackin."

3. He makes Ron hate puppies.

4. That face. You know which one I'm talking about...

Listen, I love this face and his high-pitched voice when he gets excited. But it is very easy to make jokes. Case in point:

5. He doesn't realize that Drake will never reply to his tweets

So naive.

6. He tries to do things only Ron Swanson can do.

Poor little guy. He should have known better than to try and impress a girl over Ron Swanson. It's impossible because he's the manliest man ever created.

7. He complains. A LOT

8. He has way too much stuff.

Not smart Tom, not smart. 

9. And he gets so depressed without his stuff

10. He gives himself terrible advice

11. He has the worst pick-up lines

12. He is totally not loyal to Pawnee.

Not cool man. Not. Cool.

13. He is easily manipulated.

14. He cannot handle his liquor.

This is after two beers. Light beers.

15. Lastly, he has the worst friends (or maybe the best?)

Example 2:

You know what? Scratch all of this, Tom and Jean Ralphio are perfection. Who do you think will be the new Jerry??

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Most And Least Expensive Items Sold At The Hollywood Legends Auction

People LOVE Hollywood memorabilia. Do you all remember how much money was spent on the contents of Elizabeth Taylor's estate? Sure jewelry goes for quite a bit, but nonetheless, people will spend thousands and millions of dollars on the strangest crap all in the name of their favorite movie or star.

But at the Hollywood Legends Auction this past weekend, the highest sold item was a phaser rifle used by Captain Kirk (aka Shatner, of course) in the re-tooled Star Trek pilot. After reading this great Entertainment Weekly story about the phaser rifle, all I could think about was what other items on this illustrious list were sold at crazy prices? So from my nerdy desires to your eyes: here are the most and least expensive items sold at the Hollywood Legends Auction

The Five Most Expensive Items:

1. "Star Trek" Phaser Rifle 

Estimated Price: $50,000
Price Sold: $231,000  

2. "I Dream of Jeannie" Bottle

Estimate Price: $60,000-$80,000 
Price Sold: $41,600 

Star Trek nerds beat Jeannie nerds by $189,400. The bottle didn't even reach it's estimated price. So... William Shatner > Larry Hagman? Or is it just Gun > Bottle?

3. Marilyn Monroe Bra from "Some Like It Hot" Gown

Estimated Price: $8,000- $10,000
Price Sold: $28,800

It's a bra. A. Bra. That's just creepy. 

4. Superman IV Christopher Reeve Flying Suit: 

Estimated Price: $20,000- $30,000
Price Sold: $25,600

This is pretty cool until you find out it's the suit from Superman IV. Not I, not II, not even the not-so-great, but at least it has Richard Pryor III. This is the fourth one. With this guy as the villain: 

But, it's still Christopher Reeve and it's still Superman.

5. Marilyn Monroe Cocktail Dress

Estimated Price: $5,000- $7,000
Price Sold: $25,000

Sold for FIVE times the asking price. It's not even kind of a surprise.

Expensive Item Honorable Mentions:

In 7th Place: Bruce Lee "Enter The Dragon" Claw Weapon

Estimated Price: $10,000 to $12,000
Price Sold: $20,480

This. Is. Awesome. If I had disposable income, I would absolutely buy this thing. And if it were possible, I'd buy everything else from this movie because it's incredible.

In 12th Place: "Wizard of Oz" Munchkin Flower Pot Hat

Estimated Price: $8,000- $10,000
Price Sold: $15,000

I mean, I get it. It's "Wizard of Oz" memorabilia. But still. It's made of felt. Am I the only one who sees this?

Now for the sad stuff...

The Least Expensive Items:

1. MGM Ephemera:

Estimated Price: $75-$150
Price Sold: $32

Well... no wonder they went bankrupt. Who wants buying a windbreaker for $150 just because of a logo? And if you squint, it looks like there might be a stain on the jacket. The MGM guys can't even pay for dry-cleaning.

2. Brittany Murphy "Just Married" Script

Estimated Price: $300- $500
Price Sold: $32

Talk about trying to profit off someone's passing. Who honestly thought that a couple of scripts in binders for a movie that was pretty stupid was actually going to make over $100? That person is stupid.

3. "Law & Order" Linus Roache Evidence Props

Estimated Price: $150- $300
Price Sold: $32

Sad. But then again, I think $30 is way too much for a rock with a piece of metal through it. That table lamp is pretty handy though.

4. Stargate Collection of Production Materials

Estimated Price: $400- $600
Price Sold: $64

It's a bunch of pictures. $64 is wayyy too high for something I can print off my computer from the internet.

5. Nolan Miller Original Couture Wedding Gown

Estimated Price: $600- $800
Price Sold: $64

Ok this one is outrageous. A VINTAGE COUTURE wedding gown from the man who did the wardrobe for "Dynasty" AND "Charlie's Angels" that sold for less than $100? Crazy town.

Even more depressing...

Items That Weren't Even Sold

1. Tom Hanks "Castaway" Ice Skate, Tooth Necklace

Estimated Price: $2,000- $3,000

You know that iconic scene from that movie. Because this item isn't creepy at all... (P.S. It is)

2. "Black Beauty" from "The Green Hornet"

Estimated Price: $40,000- $60,000

Considering how cool this car is, this is kind of a surprise. Considering how bad the movie was, this is not really a surprise.

3. Evil Knievel Signed Suit

Estimated Price: $5,000- $7,000

Seriously?! A BRA from Marilyn gets sold but not an entire signed suit from the death-defying master of stunts himself? That is depressing.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Vote On The Scariest “Doctor Who” Villains From The 2005 Reboot & On

Doctor Who is back! With new companion Clara Oswald in tow, the 11th Doctor is off finding more adventures and saving the Earth from some crazy-looking baddies. While most of the time, these villains look ridiculous, sometimes they can be scary enough to cause some nightmares.  Check out my top ten and vote on your favorite- or least favorite if you don't like scary things.

Note: I've only counted the villains seen from the 2005 reboot and on (though the Daleks are as old as  the show itself).


1. The Daleks with Davros

First seen: "Dalek" Series 1, Episode 6

So here's the thing. I know they're not much to look at but the Daleks are THE main villains in "Doctor Who." They do really horrible things. They hate humans, they hate the Doctor, they basically hate anyone who isn't them. And when they open their giant metallic boxes, they're actually really gross to look at- like squid tentacles attached to a giant brain.

2. The Weeping Angels

First seen: "Blink" Series 3, Episode 10

Sure, they're just statues. But once you turn away or even blink (thus the title of the episode), they can come speeding at you and zap you into the past where you will "live to death" as the Doctor says. Plus, if you look at them even on a recorded video, they can still attack you. Imagine that these things are every statue you've ever seen and try not to be scared while walking into a public library or some other old building. I dare you.

3. Snowmen

First seen: "The Snowmen" Series 7, Episode 6 (Christmas Special)

I know, they're just snow. But snowmen are things made my little children on winter holidays. It's cruel to turn them into evil monsters with sharp ice teeth. I'll never look at snow the same way again.

4. The Silence

First seen: "The Impossible Astronaut" Series 6, Episode 1

Um... Look at them. They're frightening. And they wear suits so you know they mean business. Worst part: when you look away, you forget they were even there so every time you see them, it's a new experience of terror.

5. Racnoss

First seen: "The Runaway Bride" Series 3, Episode 1 (Special Episode)

While this monster didn't really do much damage to the world in its "Doctor Who" episode, it's just disgusting. It also has the body of a spider and spiders are the worst. Just the worst.

6. The Beast

First seen: "The Satan Pit" Series 2, Episode 9

A fitting name for a giant monster inside a large pit, don't you think? You see that orange jumpsuit in the left-hand bottom corner? That's the Doctor. So that gives you an idea of how big this thing really is. It's basically the Devil (thus the title of the episode- "Doctor Who" is good about being literal with its baddies most of the time).

7. Prisoner Zero

First seen: "The Eleventh Hour" Series 5, Episode 1

The first monster faced by the Eleventh Doctor. It's a giant snake thing with really long sharp teeth. Is it just me or are snakes truly frightening? Now just imagine a snake but longer by several feet (or meters for you non-American folk).

8. Clockwork Men

First seen: "The Girl in the Fireplace" Series 2, Episode 4

Porcelain masks are scary. It's just a well-known fact. Imagine this thing chasing you around silently.

9. The Vashta Nerada

First seen: "The Silence in the Library" Series 4, Episode 8

For those of you who haven't seen this episode, the monster is not a skeleton in an astronaut suit. It's actually millions of little particles in the darkness. So if you cross into the darkness, they can eat you to the bone. Thus the poor soul in this picture. Basically this episode gives you another reason to be afraid of the dark.

10. The Dolls

First seen: "Night Terrors" Series 6, Episode 9

Please refer to my reasoning on number 8 but change porcelain masks to creepy, giant dolls. Let me make myself more clear: these are creepy, giant dolls that will turn you into more creepy giant dolls if you're caught. What's worse than being chased by creepy, giant dolls? Probably being a creepy, giant doll.

Now it's your turn, who's the scariest of them all?

The Scariest 'Doctor Who' Villains free polls 

Note: Another new "Doctor Who" airs TONIGHT on BBC America.