Thursday, July 28, 2011

Five Things We've Learned From Bad Movies- 2011 Edition

Since 2011 is already halfway over, it seems fitting to go back and see what Hollywood has taught us for the last several months:

1. If catch your best friends' spouse cheating, you'll probably be the one who gets punished... not just mentally but also physically:

                   -In the awful Ron Howard comedy, The Dilemma, Vince Vaughn finds his best friend Kevin James' wife cheating with a much younger, hotter, and possibly crazier Channing Tatum. I mean, who wouldn't choose Channing Tatum over Kevin James to begin with but that's not the lesson here. As Vince goes to investigate the cheaters who are randomly meeting at a botanical garden (because why not, right?), he falls into a poisonous plant and gets uncomfortable side effects like painful urination. The rest of the movie is how Vince Vaughn tries to tell Kevin James about the affair and how it ruins his life in the process. So basically, the moral of this story is friends don't let friends tell each other about their cheating significant others.

2. Anyone can be a superhero. Even ridiculous people.

                   -Two movies came out this year about idiotic people trying to be a superhero: The Green Hornet where Seth Rogen tries to save his city by doing nothing and letting his sidekick do all the fighting, and Super with Rainn Wilson trying to get his girlfriend back by taking revenge on her new boyfriend as a "masked superhero."

3. Girls are crazy, especially in college (Apparently)

                   -I'm going to use to two words to describe this one: The Roommate.

4. Nicholas Cage will always do awful movies... Even if once in a while he makes a good one.

                   -After last year's awesome movie Kick-Ass, it seemed as though Nicholas Cage was starting to pick roles in good movies again. Wrong. This year, Cage has already made two terrible films: Season of the Witch and Drive Angry. I believe every couple of years, Cage makes a good film but it doesn't sit right with him. So in order to make up for his good reviews, he has to make three bad films. All the good cancels out. 

5. Fairytales are in. As long as you make bad ones. 

                   - We have already seen two classic fairytales turned into live-action movies again this year and neither were good: Beastly and Red Riding Hood. With Beastly, the downfall seemed to be ridiculously bad acting from the leads while Red Riding Hood was trying to make a Twilight love triangle out of a story about a girl who just wants to deliver food to her grandmother. In the next two years, we'll be seeing two Snow White movies, a Hansel and Gretel movie and a new crime show on NBC based on Grimm's fairy-tales. There's even a new Sleeping Beauty inspired drama out in slecet cities. Hopefully at least one of those will be good. What will be next you may ask? I predict a live-action Little Mermaid set in modern-day Antarctica featuring a love hexagon with humans, mermaids and (somehow) vampires and werewolves. Wait, that was a joke... Well if someone from Hollywood sees this, it'll probably happen by 2014.

No comments:

Post a Comment